Yes, I do get to see my older daughter this is an open adoption a relatively new thing when she was adopted. I dont know if my seeing my daughter is the right thing to do but when I meet someone that is close to my age that was adopted if ask them about there birth mother they usually say that they dont really care about it or that they seem to have a lot of anger towards their birth mother. I can only hope that my own daughter wont hate me I cant say that I deserve her love but I love her so much.
You can never really understand the love a mother has for her children unless you are a mother, and I know that all people are not as loving as other people but for me its an unconditional love. Having my own daughter now does not soften the pain of not having my older daughter, although it usually does help keep my mind off of it they are two very different individuals and everytime I do see my older daughter I get very depressed afterwards. I did stop seeing her when Noora was born because when I lapse into depression from missing her its not fair to the daughter that I have to take care of that her mom is to upset and crying all the time.
I am going this afternoon to see my daughter and I have been thinking about today for the past month since we made the apointment for me to see her. I havent been able to sleep when I think about it and I lay in bed crying quietly so my husband cant hear me or I just go to the bathroom and lay down in the tub and cry with my head in a towel to muffle the noise. I don't ever know what to talk to her about when I see her but if I could I would love to just hold her in my arms and tell her I love her so much and just cry.
I didnt really have a choice to give her up for adoption my parents really forced me into it. I know that they really just wanted what was best for me and her but it really isnt fair to have someone else make that decision for you and its caused a lot of tension between us.
Well today is the day and I have an hour drive to go see my daughter, her birthday was last month so Im bringing her a present. Her adopted mom told me she likes horses and she does horseback riding (oh the luxuries of the rich) so I bought her a horse stuffed animal and it Nays if you squeeze it. I hope that she'll be able to keep it with her at night and hold it and think of me and know that I am thinking of her.
I love you. Love mom.
